Basic Duke Terminology

Dearest little Dukies,
We herein bestow you with the basic terminology you need to know to survive on Duke's social-climbing campus. These are essential to understand before one attempts any sort of partying/clubbing/socializing at Duke.

• Dukie: the 'clever' nickname for Duke students which accurately portrays the Duke student body for what it is: shit.
• Shitshow: applies to those who are ridiculous drunks. People who are shitshows usually end up making BIG mistakes. For example: sleeping with ugly motherfuckers who one sincerely regrets the next morning, attempting to make out with everyone you see, profusely screaming "I love you" to everyone you even remotely recognize, and divulging your deepest secrets and feelings to strangers.
• Shooters: the shittiest, most redneck, disgusting club on the face of the earth, that you cannot help but go to almost every single weekend. On big nights at Shooters, one can typically find every single person you have ever hooked up with in your life, the basketball team and their whores, and a few sketchy Durhamites. Normally, you don't leave Shooters alone. Unless you're really that ugly.
• Cosmic Cantina: the nastiest, dirtiest Mexican restaurant with the worst food you'll possibly ever eat. Unless, that is, you are drunk, in which case Cosmic seems like the best idea EVER. Expect to feel sick afterwards (and be harrassed by hobos the entire time you are there.)
• Jimmy John's: drug center of Durham. Oh, and they also sell subs.
• George's Garage: fancy restaurant by day, shitshow by night. Frats and sororities who want to be a little "classier" than Shooters will throw parties at George's. During the day, George's may or may not have a sushi bar. I'm not really sure.
• G-loft: located right next to George's, it is yet another club. Less parties are thrown here than in other locations. Um...it's just okay.
• Devines: this is a bar. Don't go here if you want to dance. Best if you have a fake ID. Sometimes, frats sponsor shitty bands to play in the outside area. Make sure you're drunk enough for them to sound okay.
• Parazods: Probably one of the nicest clubs in Durham; more exclusive parties are thrown here. Unless you know the frat or sorority that is throwing the party really well, then save yourself some grief and don't go. You'll look like a loser and everyone will snub you.
• Young Jeezy and OAR: leave your CD's at home and forget about your taste in music, once you come to Duke this will be all you listen to. And you will love it.
• Verde: Located right next to Parazod's, it's also just a bar. Birthday parties are thrown here. Most events are exclusive. Once again, if you don't know the people throwing it, keep your loser ass at home. Or go to section.
• Section parties: At the beginning of freshman year, the froshies all pile onto the C-1 buses, and head over to West Campus for the "biggest party of the year" AKA what every single section party claims to be. Here you will all crowd into tiny halls, and try to force your way into one of three rooms in attempt to get shitty beer or jungle juices that taste like shit. You'll think you're really cool going to section parties. But the truth is, you're not. Just save your reputation earlier, meet some cool kids, and don't go to section.
• Hallmates: the people who live on the same floor as you. You will go out with them every weekend as if they're your best friends, but they're not. Hell, you've never even talked to Johnny Whatshisface in 214, but damn straight you'll save a seat for him on the bus. Don't worry, come spring rush you'll never acknowledge any of their presences again.
• Sexiling: Uh oh, your roommate finally found somebody "special", AKA, a drunken girl, and is bringing her back to his/YOUR room. He calls you up, "Hey, buddy, would you mind, uh, not coming back tonight?" YOU'VE JUST BEEN SEXILED!! The other alternative situation: you're in bed trying to sleep when all of a sudden you hear a few bangs and continuous squeaking. You peak out from under your sheets and see the bed next to yours is shaking and legs are flying everywhere. Now, you have the choice of pretending to be asleep and stifling your gags, or stealthily sneaking out into the hallway with a pillow to find somewhere else to sleep. Choose wisely.
• Dormcest: cute little Gretchen from down the hall has a crush on pretty-boy Magnum who lives 5 doors down. This must be the perfect relationship! I mean, only five doors away!! They can see each other every 10 minutes! Actually, screw that, they basically move in together! The entire dorm can hear their moans and groans while they're fucking. They love each other, though. They're going to get married. Until when they have to do RoomPix for next year. Or they just break up. The entire dorm is split between angry/devastated Gretchen and carefree Magnum, who already has a new girlfriend. Buy earplugs to drown out the screaming.
• Relationship: this word does not exist at Duke.
• Long-Distance Relationship: LOL. Is that a joke?
• Durhamite: sketchy people who live in Durham and don't go to Duke. We don't associate with these people. They're rapists.