Calling all Crazies

Cameron Crazies. We love our Duke basketball. We know all the chants: "We're gonna win tonight, Carolina go to hell, EAT SHIT!" or the typical "ooooooooooooooooooooooooooh" (so original, right?). Our basketball players are great, they're like celebrities, right? I mean they are totally all over ESPN.
And, boy do they know it.

So, you're out at Shooters, and OMG you finally spot basketball players! It's like you're finally meeting these people that you've seen on TV and heard so much about. But then, you talk to them, or attempt to, and realize that they are complete bastards, and you aren't much of a Duke basketball fan anymore.
Why do you think all the Cameron Crazies are freshman?

• Greg Paulus: He's a nice little kid. He's not tall, he's not intimidating, he doesn't drink, he's a good little Christian boy. But he's weird as fuck. I think he came from the planet Mars.
• Josh McRoberts: He's leaving. You won't ever meet him. He's obnoxious and cocky, but he's not too terribly bad. But it doesn't matter. As far as the Class of 2011 is concerned, he doesn't exist.
• Marty Pocius: Haha he's missing a finger and a half. He's too busy fucking and unsuccessfully attempting to finger his slutty girlfriend to even think about anybody or anything else. Sometimes he takes a break and plays basketball.
• Gerald Henderson AKA "G": Gerald is a G. He smiles at every girl he sees, says "hey", and genuinely makes her feel special. He just wants to sleep with her. He's a HUGE manwhore, it's kind of disgusting.
• Dave McClure: Dave is a more matured and experienced version of G. He sleeps with anything and everything though. If you have never been able to snag a guy in your entire life, don't worry, Dave McClure will still fuck you. He most likely has syphilis, chlamydia, gonnorhea, and a child.
• Lance Thomas: Lance loves the black girls. He's possibly one of the only basketball players to blow off the little white sluts that crowd around him, waiting to stand up, open their mouths, and give him a blowjob. Of course, there are a few exceptions: cheerleaders. God fucking knows why he would want the cheerleaders, they're about 1/4 his size and ugly as shit, but he does. I think it's his permanent pair of beer goggles he wears. He's a funny kid, though. A lot of people love him. Oh, and rumor has it, he has a foot-long dick. Maybe that's why everyone loves him.
• Jon Scheyer: Jon is as dumb as the fucking dirt on the ground. He makes funny faces when he plays basketball, and we can only imagine the faces he makes during sex. Girls find him adorable, in that down-syndrome kind of way. He takes advantage of it though. Even though he's popular with the ladies, he doesn't seem to be too popular with his teammates. It's kind of pathetic. He follows them around like a sad, lost puppy dog.
• Brian Zoubek: You see him from a mile away, but how could you possibly miss him? He's a fucking GIANT! Guys love Zou, but honestly, I don't know why. His ego has inflated exponentially since the beginning of the year, but with no reason. He travels. He fouls. He sucks at basketball. He just sucks at life. But, girls, don't think he's an asshole if you meet him. He's had a tough life. He's a freak of nature. He's just misunderstood.
• Demarcus Nelson: Most likely, you'll never see him out. He doesn't have reason to leave his apartment. He doesn't need to look for girls. There's a line outside his door of sluts waiting their turn to fuck him.
• Jordan Davidson: Jordan is going to kill himself now that Josh is gone. He was Robin to Josh's batman. They had gay sex. And by that, I mean, they had gay sex.
• Various walk-ons: These include Nicky Sutton and Steve Johnson. If you ask them, they're on the Duke basketball team, and that's all that matters. They play 30 minutes per game!!! But, actually, that only happens in their dreams. They're useless pieces of shit who just think they're cool, because they "play under Coach K". Tell them to fuck off.