Calling all Crazies

Cameron Crazies. We love our Duke basketball. We know all the chants: "We're gonna win tonight, Carolina go to hell, EAT SHIT!" or the typical "ooooooooooooooooooooooooooh" (so original, right?). Our basketball players are great, they're like celebrities, right? I mean they are totally all over ESPN.
And, boy do they know it.

So, you're out at Shooters, and OMG you finally spot basketball players! It's like you're finally meeting these people that you've seen on TV and heard so much about. But then, you talk to them, or attempt to, and realize that they are complete bastards, and you aren't much of a Duke basketball fan anymore.
Why do you think all the Cameron Crazies are freshman?

• Greg Paulus: He's a nice little kid. He's not tall, he's not intimidating, he doesn't drink, he's a good little Christian boy. But he's weird as fuck. I think he came from the planet Mars.
• Josh McRoberts: He's leaving. You won't ever meet him. He's obnoxious and cocky, but he's not too terribly bad. But it doesn't matter. As far as the Class of 2011 is concerned, he doesn't exist.
• Marty Pocius: Haha he's missing a finger and a half. He's too busy fucking and unsuccessfully attempting to finger his slutty girlfriend to even think about anybody or anything else. Sometimes he takes a break and plays basketball.
• Gerald Henderson AKA "G": Gerald is a G. He smiles at every girl he sees, says "hey", and genuinely makes her feel special. He just wants to sleep with her. He's a HUGE manwhore, it's kind of disgusting.
• Dave McClure: Dave is a more matured and experienced version of G. He sleeps with anything and everything though. If you have never been able to snag a guy in your entire life, don't worry, Dave McClure will still fuck you. He most likely has syphilis, chlamydia, gonnorhea, and a child.
• Lance Thomas: Lance loves the black girls. He's possibly one of the only basketball players to blow off the little white sluts that crowd around him, waiting to stand up, open their mouths, and give him a blowjob. Of course, there are a few exceptions: cheerleaders. God fucking knows why he would want the cheerleaders, they're about 1/4 his size and ugly as shit, but he does. I think it's his permanent pair of beer goggles he wears. He's a funny kid, though. A lot of people love him. Oh, and rumor has it, he has a foot-long dick. Maybe that's why everyone loves him.
• Jon Scheyer: Jon is as dumb as the fucking dirt on the ground. He makes funny faces when he plays basketball, and we can only imagine the faces he makes during sex. Girls find him adorable, in that down-syndrome kind of way. He takes advantage of it though. Even though he's popular with the ladies, he doesn't seem to be too popular with his teammates. It's kind of pathetic. He follows them around like a sad, lost puppy dog.
• Brian Zoubek: You see him from a mile away, but how could you possibly miss him? He's a fucking GIANT! Guys love Zou, but honestly, I don't know why. His ego has inflated exponentially since the beginning of the year, but with no reason. He travels. He fouls. He sucks at basketball. He just sucks at life. But, girls, don't think he's an asshole if you meet him. He's had a tough life. He's a freak of nature. He's just misunderstood.
• Demarcus Nelson: Most likely, you'll never see him out. He doesn't have reason to leave his apartment. He doesn't need to look for girls. There's a line outside his door of sluts waiting their turn to fuck him.
• Jordan Davidson: Jordan is going to kill himself now that Josh is gone. He was Robin to Josh's batman. They had gay sex. And by that, I mean, they had gay sex.
• Various walk-ons: These include Nicky Sutton and Steve Johnson. If you ask them, they're on the Duke basketball team, and that's all that matters. They play 30 minutes per game!!! But, actually, that only happens in their dreams. They're useless pieces of shit who just think they're cool, because they "play under Coach K". Tell them to fuck off.
  
  

Fraternities

Alright, innocent little boys, you are about to engage on an experience unlike any other. You too will have the choice to rush fraternities in the spring semester. You will be horrified and disgusted at the tasks in which you have to perform when you finally decide on which fraternity to join. Pledging is a bitch. Circle jerks, anyone?

First, though, you must decide which frats you think "fit you best". It really doesn't matter though, it's all up to the frats to decide whether or not they want you. Here is a list of fraternities, according to social standing.

Sig Nu:
Roofies, roofies, roofies. These boys are the biggest assholes at Duke University. The stereotypical SigNu is from New York (Long Island), however, if you are a big enough douchebag, you can definitely fit in. SigNus get to fuck the finest girls on campus (Pi Phis especially). Standard dress code: Preppy as hell: polos, collared shirts, no shirts at all, khaki pants, plaid pants, etc.
If you aren't a SigNu or in another "cool" frat, don't even bother to look in their direction. They're too cool for you.

KA:
Ka is calling all southern, conservative boys at Duke. If you love George W. Bush and speak with a Southern drawl, KA is the frat for you! KA climbed the social ladder a lot this year, drawing in a lot of the best freshman guys on campus (even letting a black guy in this year!)

SAE:
SAEs, now ADPhis, challenge the SigNus in the asshole department. SAEs are the rich guys on campus, in a newly off-campus frat. SAEs throw the parties with the drugs. No drug is off-limits to these guys, and they love to share these drugs with sorority girls in exchange for....yeah you get the idea. Watch out for these guys, they think they're better than everyone else, and get belligerently drunk. For example, SAEs were stupid enough to take on the football team on last day of classes in front of deans and cops. Twice. Enough said.

Kappa Sig:
Kappa Sigs are chill guys. This is why sorority girls love them. They throw exclusive parties all the time with the Pi Phis tagging along, and some Tridelts and Kappas. A few Thetas might be lost in the crowd. There are actually a growing number of international kids in this frat, so if you are international, chill, and cool, definitely look to pledging Kappa Sig (even though their pledge is a bitch.)
Kappa Sig is probably the biggest stoner frat, and causes irreversible liver damage to its pledges.

Delta Tau Delta (DTD):
DTD is also climbing the social ladder from last year. They have a very eclectic group of guys, all of which know how to party. DTD loves the liquor, but also indulges in weed, coke and sometimes meth.
When it comes to pledging, these guys are closer than any other group on campus. DTD is also known as "Dudes Touching Dudes", and for good reason.
DTD throws one of the biggest parties of the year, Iced Out on Spice Street. Odds are you won't get in, though, and will find yourself wandering around Chapel Hill (that is, unless you are special enough or know enough of the guys to go VIP.)

Alpha Tau Omega (ATO):
ATO is nice. That's it. Just nice. They don't do anything really. They drink Busch Lite. They get a few good girls from the core four. But, really, they're kind of useless.

Pi Kappa Alpha (Pike):
Freshman love pikes during first semester. They are the "coolest" frat in the eyes of those wandering to west in search for beer. And that's all you'll get with Pike: beer. However, throughout the year, you will learn slowly that Pike is full of a bunch of sketchy, loser guys who are just trying to trick the freshman into thinking they're cool. They're not bad guys, but trust me, they're definitely not cool. Pikes don't really get much ass from the core four, but there are always just a few exceptions. The only good thing that Pike does is a huge party, Pikes of the Caribbean, every few years. Until then, they're lost in the sea of other frats and section parties.

SigEp:
SigEps love the ADPis, so they're not short of girls. They're just weird. If you want to hang out with a bunch of nice, weird guys who get cute, nice girls, then go SigEp. They like...um...to drink sometimes...but they're still just weird.

AEPi:
They're just Jewish. Check the mirror: if you're Jewish, have curly hair, have a big nose, or anything like that, this is the frat for you. End of story.

SigChi:
SigChi is the Alpha Phi of fraternities. You just kind of forget they exist.

Theta Chi:
Recently gone off campus, Theta Chi throws Wednesday Night Drinking Club every Wednesday. It's a great place to meet other freshman, but you soon get over it after first semester, and kind of regret the association with the frat. You try to redeem your reputation fast.
That's all they ever do, though: WNDC.

Beta:
Can you even consider these guys a frat? They think they're the biggest stoners on campus. They suck and their weed sucks. Don't go there. They had no pledges and handed out bids to everyone who came to open house. You shouldn't have to beg for pledges. They're pathetic.

Pi Kappa Phi:
It seems like every day there is a new flyer for a PiKap party. Don't go. Ever. Their loserdom will rub off onto guys, and they will try to date rape girls. They don't get ass.

Delta Kappa Epsilon (Deke):
Deke is the biggest fucking bunch of faggots.

PhiDelt:
I take that back. This is the biggest bunch of faggots.
If you suck dick, this is the frat for you. And the sorority.

Extenuating Circumstances:
Due to extreme changes this past year, I really couldn't incorporate Delta Sig into the frat rankings. Last year, Delta Sig easily rested on top of the other fraternities on campus, consisting off all the athletes, and scoring the hottest pussy. However, after a poor pledge class this past rush, it's hard to define Delta Sig. The upperclassmen in Delta Sig are still some of the coolest kids on campus. I really can't quite say the same for the new pledges in Delta Sig. Hopefully, next year Delta Sig can redeem their spot on top, or at least as one of the best frats at Duke.

Sororities

Alright, girls,
Come 2nd semester, you will all have the "chance of a lifetime" to rush for a sorority. You must rush all of them, and then they will "mutually" eliminate you.
Here is a basic summary of all of the sororities on Duke campus. We use "Duke campus" loosely, since sororities don't have housing, otherwise it would be considered a "brothel". But that's beside the point.
First we'll start off with the "core four". The core four are considered to be the best sororities on campus. However, it's more like the "core three" now. If you want to get into one of these sororities, get your ass-kissing chapstick ready.


"Core Four"

Pi Phi:
"Pi Phi or die!" is one of the terms used within the sisters/their fuck buddies. It's strangely appropriate, since if you're not in Pi Phi, your social life just might die at Duke. Pi Phi consists of the richest, hottest girls at Duke, or just the most social climbing, because there are some ugly ass bitches in this sorority. They just might have had to lick fucking clits to get in, because their appearance sure as hell didn't get them into Pi Phi.
Pi Phi was previously tied with Tridelt as the best sorority on campus, until this past rush (2007). They got all the girls they wanted (mostly brunettes). Pi Phis are known to be the "nice" hot girls. Don't let them fool you though. They'll be nice to you, just long enough to turn around and talk shit behind your back. Pi Phis primarily fuck SigNus, Kappa Sigs, and a lot of athletes (basketball team, lacrosse team, etc.).
For example: One of the newest Little Miss Pi Phis likes to fuck the entire basketball team. She has gotten with bballer #1, bballer #2(even though she denies it), and causes lots of trouble within the basketball team.
Bballer #1: "Yo, you stole my bitch"
Bballer #2 (who isn't that bright of a guy): "Huh??"
Bballer #1: "I fucking hate you"
Of course, that might not exactly be how it went down, but one thing is for sure, Little Miss Pi Phi DID go down.
If you're slutty, or just want to be "cool", Pi Phi's the place for you.



Delta Delta Delta (Tridelts):
Tridelts differ from Pi Phis in 2 ways: they're bitchy to your face and they're blonde.
Their pledge class this year actually sucked. They only got about 7 of the girls they wanted, and threw out a lot of snap bids (they just let girls in that they didn't actually want). They were known to do a lot of coke, but I think the queens of coke this year are the Pi Phis.
Tridelts score such cock as: basically the same as the Pi Phis, because Tridelts are a lot sluttier than Pi Phis are. Tri-delt, who hasn't?
That pretty much sums up the tridelts.



Kappa Kappa Gamma:
Oh, Kappas are such sweet Southern belles. But seriously, they're bitches. They're jealous that they couldn't into Pi Phi or Tridelt, so they try to steal all their men. Example: A little Kappa is out one night, wasted off of her ass. A real shitshow, if you will. She sees a hot basketball player, one of the same ones little Miss Pi Phi got with. She cuts the chit-chat.
Little Miss Kappa: "Hey, I want to fuck you!"
Bballer #2: "Okay."
And that's how the Kappas roll.



Kappa Alpha Theta:
They should not be in the core four, and they really aren't any more. They suck.

Non-"Core Four"

Zeta Tau Alpha:
Climbing the social hierarchy, Zetas should replace the Thetas in the Core Four. Zetas consist of a lot of athletic girls, but they know how to party. They hang out with a lot of the male athletes, including the football team and soccer team, thus bringing the best cock to the parties.



Delta Gamma:
DG is made up of normal girls who just love to party. If you don't get into the core four, but you do get into DG, don't worry. You'll have tons of fun.



Alpha Delta Pi:
Nice girls. They don't party too much, but they hang out with each other a lot. They spend most of their time throwing date functions and mixers (parties with frats). They did throw a very successful party at Shooter's this past spring, which might have brought up their social standing a bit. ADPis are a mix of cute girls and unattractive girls. But, it really doesn't matter because they love to get with SigEps and AEPis.



Alpha Phi:
Alpha what? This sorority exists? Oh, okay...



Chi Omega:
Haha. ChiOs. Hahaha. They think they're cool. They're really just pretending. They probably go home and slit their wrists at night because their lives suck.
To summarize ChiOs: Ewww. They are some ugly bitches. Ew. I don't even think frats will touch them. Not even PhiDelts or Deke. Well, maybe they would..while extremely drunk...but they don't drink, so the ChiOs are pretty much screwed (figuratively, of course)



AOPi:
Omg. AOPi. Hahaha. AOPi=the biggest social stigma a girl could ever put on herself in her life. AOPi accepts all the girls rejected by the aforementioned sororites. AOPis could never get any guys in their lives, but it doesn't matter because they're all lesbians anyway.
Lesson to be learned here: DON'T JOIN AOPI!!! EVER!!!! (Unless you love fat pussy)



Independents:
You know what, I'm going to be honest here, and say that it really doesn't matter that much if you are an independent. You can still go to every party if you make the right friends. It's a lot better to be independent than in a shitty sorority. Consider that. And, if you are hot, you can still get the same ass as the Pi Phis and Tridelts.

Basic Duke Terminology

Dearest little Dukies,
We herein bestow you with the basic terminology you need to know to survive on Duke's social-climbing campus. These are essential to understand before one attempts any sort of partying/clubbing/socializing at Duke.

• Dukie: the 'clever' nickname for Duke students which accurately portrays the Duke student body for what it is: shit.
• Shitshow: applies to those who are ridiculous drunks. People who are shitshows usually end up making BIG mistakes. For example: sleeping with ugly motherfuckers who one sincerely regrets the next morning, attempting to make out with everyone you see, profusely screaming "I love you" to everyone you even remotely recognize, and divulging your deepest secrets and feelings to strangers.
• Shooters: the shittiest, most redneck, disgusting club on the face of the earth, that you cannot help but go to almost every single weekend. On big nights at Shooters, one can typically find every single person you have ever hooked up with in your life, the basketball team and their whores, and a few sketchy Durhamites. Normally, you don't leave Shooters alone. Unless you're really that ugly.
• Cosmic Cantina: the nastiest, dirtiest Mexican restaurant with the worst food you'll possibly ever eat. Unless, that is, you are drunk, in which case Cosmic seems like the best idea EVER. Expect to feel sick afterwards (and be harrassed by hobos the entire time you are there.)
• Jimmy John's: drug center of Durham. Oh, and they also sell subs.
• George's Garage: fancy restaurant by day, shitshow by night. Frats and sororities who want to be a little "classier" than Shooters will throw parties at George's. During the day, George's may or may not have a sushi bar. I'm not really sure.
• G-loft: located right next to George's, it is yet another club. Less parties are thrown here than in other locations. Um...it's just okay.
• Devines: this is a bar. Don't go here if you want to dance. Best if you have a fake ID. Sometimes, frats sponsor shitty bands to play in the outside area. Make sure you're drunk enough for them to sound okay.
• Parazods: Probably one of the nicest clubs in Durham; more exclusive parties are thrown here. Unless you know the frat or sorority that is throwing the party really well, then save yourself some grief and don't go. You'll look like a loser and everyone will snub you.
• Young Jeezy and OAR: leave your CD's at home and forget about your taste in music, once you come to Duke this will be all you listen to. And you will love it.
• Verde: Located right next to Parazod's, it's also just a bar. Birthday parties are thrown here. Most events are exclusive. Once again, if you don't know the people throwing it, keep your loser ass at home. Or go to section.
• Section parties: At the beginning of freshman year, the froshies all pile onto the C-1 buses, and head over to West Campus for the "biggest party of the year" AKA what every single section party claims to be. Here you will all crowd into tiny halls, and try to force your way into one of three rooms in attempt to get shitty beer or jungle juices that taste like shit. You'll think you're really cool going to section parties. But the truth is, you're not. Just save your reputation earlier, meet some cool kids, and don't go to section.
• Hallmates: the people who live on the same floor as you. You will go out with them every weekend as if they're your best friends, but they're not. Hell, you've never even talked to Johnny Whatshisface in 214, but damn straight you'll save a seat for him on the bus. Don't worry, come spring rush you'll never acknowledge any of their presences again.
• Sexiling: Uh oh, your roommate finally found somebody "special", AKA, a drunken girl, and is bringing her back to his/YOUR room. He calls you up, "Hey, buddy, would you mind, uh, not coming back tonight?" YOU'VE JUST BEEN SEXILED!! The other alternative situation: you're in bed trying to sleep when all of a sudden you hear a few bangs and continuous squeaking. You peak out from under your sheets and see the bed next to yours is shaking and legs are flying everywhere. Now, you have the choice of pretending to be asleep and stifling your gags, or stealthily sneaking out into the hallway with a pillow to find somewhere else to sleep. Choose wisely.
• Dormcest: cute little Gretchen from down the hall has a crush on pretty-boy Magnum who lives 5 doors down. This must be the perfect relationship! I mean, only five doors away!! They can see each other every 10 minutes! Actually, screw that, they basically move in together! The entire dorm can hear their moans and groans while they're fucking. They love each other, though. They're going to get married. Until when they have to do RoomPix for next year. Or they just break up. The entire dorm is split between angry/devastated Gretchen and carefree Magnum, who already has a new girlfriend. Buy earplugs to drown out the screaming.
• Relationship: this word does not exist at Duke.
• Long-Distance Relationship: LOL. Is that a joke?
• Durhamite: sketchy people who live in Durham and don't go to Duke. We don't associate with these people. They're rapists.

Welcome

Welcome, Class of 2011 to the "wonderful" world of Duke University.
As most people know, there was a previous blog similar to this, entitled dukeobsrvr.com. However, there is no longer access to the priceless information that was on that site. That's where we come in. We decided to follow in the anonymous blogger's footsteps, in order to complete the manifesto of Duke.
Many things have changed since that blog was made. We hope to fill you all in.
Sincerely,
suckmyduke.blogspot.com